One year later. Or so. The world. It is what it is. And right now it feels like sitting in a bucket of mud. After a year of Covid, still not being able to move around freely. I feel weighted down. My brain feels foggy. My body has atrophied. Walking, which I love, is now a chore. I sit with the ideas that have come to me over the past year. Every now and then the government sends me a bone and I spend it on the the things I need – a replacement camera, paints – things that will enable me to feel and be productive. Things that will get me back to working again.
If the pandemic hadn’t happened, I would not have been able to afford these things that I needed so much. So there is some good that has come from being chained down.
The weird thing is, I also feel light. As if I have been in a forced retreat. Buddhists will sometimes do long retreats, for three weeks, or three months, or sometimes even for three years. This past year has kind of felt like that for me.
I don’t know why, but I feel that when this is over, I will have freedom to do as I please – to travel, to make photographs and films, to paint and draw, to take road trips. I don’t know how I will afford to that. My income hasn’t changed. It’s just a feeling.
My first shot of vaccine happened the other day. I was hesitant about getting it – having never gotten a flu shot, although I know this is not comparable. There is a weirdness about vaccines. They seem unnatural. Although the polio sugar cube was good for me. The yellow fever jab I got in Paris to go to The Congo (which I never traveled to, but I was prepared!) didn’t hurt. I received the Covid vaccine so I could travel freely when this is over. Hit the ground running. Not because of borders and documents and laws, but because the virus will still be out there. And I don’t want it.
I’ve been very careful this past year with my mask wearing and hand washing and staying inside as much as possible. I’ve limited my contact with people and friends. I’ve done my best to keep the virus at bay, but I don’t want to live like this forever.
The other day when I was driving across town to get my first shot, my town seemed so foreign to me. It was strange. When we finally get to move around again, I think I will be rediscovering the world. It will be a new place. A bit of a rebirth.